a friend was visiting last week and as we were chatting she asked me to tell her something funny that the kids had done lately. i was stumped for a minute, but then i remembered something, two somethings, actually, that had happened that week within a few days of each other.
I was in the middle of changing the sheets on rowan’s bed, when he begged me to put niamh’s pink sheets on instead of his normal blue or yellow sheets. when i said yes his little eyes lit up and he cheered as he did a little happy dance around the room. “Pink sheets are my favorite!” too cute.
then, just a couple of days later, as i was getting muriel dressed for the day he said “Mama, did I wear that dress when I was a baby?” When I told him that no, he had not worn that dress as a baby he said “awwww, but i love it!” and then a few minutes later “mama, how come dresses are only for girls?” i had to laugh, especially since this conversation happened so soon after the pink sheets.
as i told these stories to my friend it didn’t seem like she was laughing, even on the inside. and then when i got to the part about the dress her jaw literally dropped open before a look of pure disgust came over her face. i just stared at her, not comprehending her reaction, for what felt like ten minutes, but in reality was probably more like ten seconds. when my brain finally recovered enough to form words for my mouth the best i could come up with was “he’s four! it doesn’t mean anything.” and some other stuff. i don’t really remember what i said. whatever it was i stumbled and stammered and didn’t make much sense. and in the end i just gave up, because clearly no matter what i said she wasn’t going to think it was cute or sweet or funny that rowan had pink sheets on his bed and wished he could wear a flowery blue sundress.
it breaks my heart is that someone, someday, is going to look at my sweet boy with a look of disgust on their face and tell him that something about him is not okay. i love that he doesn’t yet realize that boys aren’t supposed to like dresses or flowers or glitter or pink. i want him to hold on to that innocence for as long as possible.
and SO WHAT?! so what if it does “mean something”? so. what.
i wish that i could shield my children forever from the people who will make them feel bad about themselves for who they are.
That’s pretty disheartening.
Ro could become the biggest flaming gay man you ever did meet. He could become a world famous interior designer who’s never been restrained by color. he could decide tomorrow that he wants to be a hockey star and that pink sucks and girls suck and he’ll stick to that idea until he’s 8. The point is there’s absolutely no way to take his preferences at this very moment and subvert them into a theory of how his whole life is going to turn out or what his sexual preferences might be. That’s just plain ridiculous. Your friend is not out of the norm though. There are plenty of people out there who believe that we as parents can influence sexual identity (aside from seriously screwing them up, which is a whole other topic). I personally believe that’s horse shit. We are who we are as humans.
I guess the best that we can do for our kids is to help them be able to think for themselves and to never feel ashamed of who they are. What else can we do?
dumb computer… i don’t think my last comment will register – lost in cyber space…
anyway, what i said was good for you for saying something to your friend emily! b/c i think you’re rite, so what? i know a number of 3,4, and 5 year old boys who have fun dressing up in dresses and playing with ‘girls’ toys. some parents are just fine with it while others are less than thrilled (like the mom who was not impressed when i told her how much fun her son had playing with the princess magnetic dolls during free choice time one day). i believe that if children find more acceptance, they will in turn be more accepting of differences and in my book, that’s a good thing.
gosh that reminds me of one of my favorite pictures of my little brother! He’s got this huge rip-off cabbage patch doll (his) and he’s hugging the life out of it as he gives the camera the biggest cheesiest grin!
My brother had my little ponies and dolls. I had g.i. joes and transformers. We liked whatever the other liked until we became a little more independent from each other. Jonah loves it when my mom puts a clip in his hair. It doesn’t make one bit of difference.
thanks guys, i knew that you would understand. i’m pretty angry at myself for trying to explain how it all doesn’t mean anything, when really i should have been explaining why it didn’t matter even if it did. but whatever. jody, right now rowan and niamh are pretty similar to you and your brother–liking whatever the other likes. actually, it leans a little bit more towards niamh liking whatever rowan likes, but there’s enough (obviously) of the other way around too.
I laughed and laughed when I read your story about the sheets and the sundress. I think that you should play your friend that Dar William’s song “When I was a boy” b/c it talks about how we all sort of hurt by conventional gender roles. But its probablly eaiser to just know her limitations and work around them. It’s too bad.